It was reported last week that an American actor, obviously upset at not getting a role at the Oscars, tried to steal the spotlight by applying to register the 'N' word as a trademark. If, like us, you’re unfamiliar with this little euphemism, read on.

The actor Damon Wayans recently applied to register the word 'nigga' as a clothing and retail trademark in the US. We really do try to keep up with popular culture — loved 'The sound of music', 'Jaws' and 'One flew over the cuckoo’s nest — but we have to concede we know nothing about this dude.

Predictably enough, some honky at the US trademark office turned the application down on the grounds that the word is immoral and scandalous, being almost universally understood to be derogatory.

Affectionate use of the 'N' word?

Why only almost? Because the word ‘nigga’ is apparently ubiquitous in hip-hop music, and because there is apparently a certain amount of ‘affectionate’ use of the term by African Americans.

Some American lawyers feel that the chances of appeal are good, but don’t they always! This optimism is based on the fact that the US trademark office recently allowed registration of 'Dykes on bikes', on the basis that the application had in fact been filed by a group of cheerful lady cyclists from San Francisco. Which at least gives us some clue as to Damon Wayans’ hue.

Trademark laws, almost without exception, provide that you cannot register brands which are immoral or offensive. But why would you want to?

Getting it wrong, badly

Some people just get it wrong of course, like the car company which launched the 'Pinto' in Brazil, where the word means male genitalia of unimpressive dimensions, and the equally astute motor company which launched the 'Nova' in Spain, where it means ‘won’t go’.

Others, we understand, just go out of their way to be different and provocative — go figure!

Like the company with the perfectly respectable name, French Connection UK, which chose to trade under its irritating little acronym (FCUK), thereby alienating dyslexics and outraging many others.

The UK trademark office has recently held that the acronym is not offensive because it is neither a swearword nor the phonetic equivalent of one.

'Tiny penis' accepted in the EU

Morality is, of course, a somewhat elastic concept and standards vary. This may explain why 'Tiny penis' was refused in the UK but accepted in the EU — yes it is hard not to speculate about the individuals who examined these two applications.

Similarly, 'Jesus' was refused in the UK, on the basis that it would offend Christians, but marks incorporating the name have been accepted in the EU.

The brand 'Fook' was refused in the UK, which is perhaps not too surprising given some of the dialects there, but would probably be accepted in many other countries.

Anything goes in SA…

What about South Africa? In a country where Tuscan monstrosities rise up majestically above the bushveld, you might think that anything goes. And, to a certain extent, you would be right.

So, for example, applications to register 'Mad about pussy' and 'Dog's bum' have been accepted. We are, of course, rather partial to smut down here, but religion and race are, we suspect, very different. People tend to be a trifle sensitive about religion and, as for race, well that’s just something else.

Words or expressions which refer to any of the numerous racial and linguistic groups which make up our rainbow nation won’t be accepted we think.

So, don’t even think about trying to register any of these now commonly accepted group names:

• Previously disadvantaged but doing fine now

• Previously disadvantaged but still feeling strangely marginalized

• Presently disadvantaged and really taking strain

• Presently disadvantaged but felt pretty isolated in the old days too, so no change there.