I am coming dangerously close to giving up my quest to find a high-paying job that offers flexible hours and a well-padded chair on wheels. The only companies prepared to hire me appear to have corporate philosophies based on those adopted by early Phoenician slave-drivers.

So I have decided to become an entrepreneur. An entrepreneur is someone who works from home, or, if his home is too small, a shipping container.

I don't need a lot of space for what I intend doing. I am not going to be making warships or sports utility vehicles. I am going to make a weapon of mass destruction. I doubt that I shall need more than one.

A word of warning to budding entrepreneurs. This is not something you should decide to do merely because you have already had sex and the beer has run out. That would be irresponsible. A lot of people believe that you should have a very good reason for wanting to build a device capable of levelling, say, Durban. This is an argument used by politicians, and one which entitles them to build a weapon of their own that is bigger and better than yours. You do not want to get into competition with these people.

Keeping up with the Bushes

It is futile trying to keep up with the Bushes. Their workshop is better equipped and they will always be able to afford plutonium-239 while you are forced to settle for uranium-235, a less glamorous alternative, but one that carries more credibility among the working class.

Watch out for the neighbours. There is a lot of jealousy out there, especially among those who have to go to work every day, and you may wake up one morning to find them at your gate demanding the right to inspect your garage. Tell them it's none of their damned business and set the dog on them. If this doesn't work, buy a gram of cocaine from the Nigerian on the corner and slip it into their postbox. When you tip off the police, it is best not to give them your real name. Unless the judicial system fails once again, your weapon should have been built by the time the nosy neighbour gets out of jail.

The first thing you need to do, is decide on how big you want your device to be. In matters like these, size does count. Actually, size counts in all respects and women who tell men otherwise are only doing it because they know that sooner or later the poor bastard is going to find himself in a compromising position with a sweet-mouthed tribadist who sniggers openly at the size of his willy and his fall shall be all the more spectacular. But I am trying to teach you how to turn fissile material into something that will be the envy of all your friends. How women manage to turn normal, healthy males into gynephobic sociopaths will be dealt with at another time.

No larger than a six-pack

Having said that, I should also say that one of the advantages of living in the nuclear age is that big is not necessarily better. Your weapon of mass destruction does not have to be size of a Toyota Hilux to be effective. It need be no larger than a six-pack of beer. At this point, some people might look at you long-faced and grim of eye and tell you that alcohol is, indeed, a weapon of mass destruction. Stay away from these people. They can offer you nothing but a bowl of muesli and a strained jaw from uncontrollable yawning.

It is important to give your weapon a name before you reach for the isotopes. The Americans understood this when they sent Fat Man and Little Boy to spread a little Christmas cheer among the people of Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Why they chose such rude names is anyone's guess.

These days it is important for us to be more sensitive when it comes to naming our weapons. The days of using words like "fat" or "little" or even "boy" for that matter are long over. So I suggest you pick a name that is not going to be offensive to any group or gender. I can't think of anything right now. Muppet, maybe. Even this could be an infringement of something or other. But if a copyright lawyer does ooze up to your front door, remember one thing — you have a weapon of mass destruction. Do not be afraid to use it.

I was going to tell you how to go about building your device, but I seem to have run out of space. Anyway, the main thing is to wash your hands afterwards.

Good luck.


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